Wishes for you

I was living in a memory the last few days. Can you fall in love with a shadow of a fragment of your memory? It felt so weird, yet so real. It was almost like time travel. I was living in love, feeling the same happiness as I felt at that time, losing my mind over thinking about those slanted eyes. I was feeling it all. The feeling of absolute ecstasy when you sought me out everyday. The feeling of warmth in a bitter cold night in your arms and lips as if you had a sun shining through your soul. The feeling of aching despair thinking that you're not thinking about me. The feeling of constant desperation to be with you, never willing to let go. I was in love with you all over again the last few days.

I let your warmth engulf me like old letters in a fireplace slowly burning away to oblivion.Then when nothing remained except the ashes, I snapped out of it last night. Just like you, 11 years ago, snapping out of the obsession in less than a couple of months, slowly blocking me out of your life, with the usual kindness you were so much full of.

Since last week, I have revisited all the nooks and corners of my heart, searching for the bits and pieces of your memory. I have met big hollows, threatening me to swallow whole. But I was in love, with you. Nothing could scare me.

Even if I don't see you ever again dear M, I hope you are loved, wherever you are. I hope your heart is light as a feather. I hope you are giddy with happiness like I was in those few days when you were with me.

A letter to winter

 

On those first few days, you looked at me as if I were magic, as if I were a surprise gift you’ve been waiting all your life for. You looked at me with such amazement, with such wonder that I had to fight with all my strength not to fall for you. I built a fortress and stayed vigilant to guard my frozen heart from the warmth radiating from your eyes. I don't know about you, but I knew it was never to be. I knew about her, I do not know if you knew about him. Our paths crossed at such an impossible time, all the yearnings of the universe could not bring us closer.

Once, when all my strongholds were broken, I opened my heart to you, trembling. I have not allowed myself to be that vulnerable in my entire life. In a minute you sent it back. "Joke of the decade" you said, laughing. I felt my heart freezing over once again. I fell very badly, tumbling down the rabbit hole where the end was a crazy huge crash. When I regained my senses I realized my heart had become an ice block once again.

Winter has never been good to me. But still, every year, when she sends the news of her arrival with sudden whips of dry winds making the leaves rain down all around me, I fall in love with her yet again.